if you're reading this you probably already know what happened. i'm not here to make excuses, i'm not here to ask for forgiveness, i'm just here to say a few things. sarah and i are still friends and there's no bad blood between us or anything. i'll be working heavily on improving myself to make sure i never harm someone else like this again. it'll take a while to even begin that journey though as i'm currently at the worst mental state in my life and i can only see it declining from here. i'm not saying this to ask for sympathy, just to put in perspective that none of my actions were done with bad intentions, just a lot of misdirection. i'm genuinely remorseful for all of the harm i've caused, not just to sarah, but to everyone else as well.

there's so much i want to say but it's been so hard to form any sort of coherent thoughts recently. i don't want to make this about me since i honestly don't deserve any support (and am eternally grateful for what support i have gotten thus far from understanding friends) but this has been seriously dehabilitizing for me. the knowledge that i ruined what sarah and i had by a few stupid decisions and ended up traumatizing her in the process is fucking soul crushing. i barely have the energy get out of bed. i haven't been eating, staying hygienic, and barely get any sleep. it's been the hardest thing i've dealt with in my life, especially knowing that sarah has it even worse than me. it's genuinely eating me from the inside out.

if you're willing to still talk with me after this and believe i can grow as a person like sarah does, feel free to get back in contact with me. i completely understand not wanting to which is why i'm writing this letter instead of getting back in contact with people directly. thank you for reading and thank you for giving me the voice to say this.